After extensive research sifting through sourced rumors and whatever nonsense comes out of the internet, I have compiled this masterpiece. I hope you enjoy.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars– Trevor Lawrence (QB) Clemson
I hope T-Law likes the beach and crime rates above the national average; this one is a lock.
2. New York Jets– Zach Wilson (QB) BYU
Mormon Manziel is heading to the Big Apple. What he lacks in off the field issues and douchiness, he makes up for with his undeniable swagger and ability to actually translate in the NFL.
3. San Francisco 49ers– (from Miami Dolphins via Houston Texans)- Mac Jones (QB) Bama
The physique of a stay at home dad, Jones has an intriguing floor that NFL teams can’t deny. San Fran is built for the present, and “Mac Attack” gives them a shot to get over the hump.
4. Atlanta Falcons– Kyle Pitts (TE) Florida
The only reason Kyle Trask will have his name called this weekend is because Pitts was a Gator. Matt Ryan gets yet another toy.
5. Cincinnati Bengals– Rashawn Slater (OT) Northwestern
Is Sewell better? Ya, probably. Are the Bengals going to Bengal? Ya, probably.
6. Miami Dolphins (from Philadelphia Eagles)- Ja’Marr Chase (WR) LSU
My favorite player in the draft, Chase would have been the first wide reciever off the board as a sophmore. Instant impact for Miami.
7. Detroit Lions– Trey Lance (QB) North Dakota State
Jared Goff is on track to be an NFL backup for the next decade of his life. Dan Campbell likes really large men, and Trey Lance fits the bill.
8. New England Patriots (from Carolina Panthers)- Justin Fields (QB) THE Ohio State
Cam Newton is not good anymore. I don’t know what year people think we are in, but he is incapable of throwing a 10 yard curl. The Patriots comitt to post-Brady life with the Buckeye signal caller.
9. Denver Broncos– Micah Parsons (ILB) Penn State
A freak athlete, if Parsons manages to stay out of trouble up until Thursday night he will be one of the first defenders off the board.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (from Dallas Cowboys)- Penei Sewell (OT) Oregon
Oregon fans are salivating with this one. Herbert gets to stay on his feet more and gets to be franchise cornerstones with his college friend.
11. New York Giants– Devonta Smith (WR) Alabama
Dave Gettlemen is reportedly really high on Slenderman. Daniel Jones gets to overthrow another talented wide reciever as New York trys to convince itself “Danny Dimes” is the future.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (from Miami Dolphins via San Francisco 49ers)- Jaycee Horn (CB) South Carolina
I feel really bad for Horn. He will be going from a mess of a collegiate program to a mess of a professional one. Hope he hangs in there.
13. Dallas Cowboys (from Los Angeles Chargers)- Christian Baremore (DL) Bama
The run on Alabama players begins here. Few defensive lines are in shambles such as “Americas Team”, so anything would be an upgrade at this point.
14. Arizona Cardinals (from Minnesota Vikings)- Jaylen Waddle (WR) Bama
When Kliff Kingsburry isn’t trying to model for Vogue he is looking to draft track stars. Kyler Murray gets another weapon.
15. Carolina Panthers (from New England Patriots)- Patrick Surtain II (CB) Bama
The Panthers continue their streak of drafting defense with Surtain. Another guy Sam Darnold gets to throw the ball to!
16. Minnesota Vikings (from Arizona Cardinals)- Chistian Darrisaw (OT) Virginia Tech
Protecting franchise legend Kirk Cousins is of upmost importance for Minnesota. The NFL equivilent of Under Armour (pathetically average) makes a decent selection.
17. Las Vegas Raiders– Alijah Vera-Tucker (IOL) USC
This is the pick I am least confident in by far. The new Raiders regime give me a migraine on draft day as they reach for the stars with seemingly every selection they have. I would put at least $5 on someone like Shaun Wade to be the move here.
18. Miami Dolphins– Jalen Phillips (EDGE) Miami
The Dolphins get a steal and Phillips gets to stay in the cocaine capital of the United States. A win-win.
19. Washington Football Team– Rashod Bateman (WR) Minnesota
Washington is seemingly inching towards a new era where they don’t make dumb decisions every chance they get.
20. Chicago Bears– Caleb Farley (CB) Virginia Tech
The self control it took to not make Chicago draft Kellen Mond here was off the charts. Farley is actually a good pick, which means the Bears might not actually do it.
21. Indianapolis Colts – Teven Jenkens (OT) Oklahoma State
Not the sexy, but the smart pick; the Indianapolis way.
22. Tennessee Titans– Terrence Marshall (WR) LSU
Another WR! The Titans are secretly about to fall off a cliff this upcoming season, and have a lot of options here. I see them following the offensive trend and giving A.J Brown a new running mate.
23. New York Jets (from Seattle Seahawks)- Greg Newsome II (CB) Northwestern
Robert Salah gets a toy for his defense with the Jets second pick.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers– Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah (LB) Notre Dame
Steelers fans have to accept they’re not taking a running back in the first round. This will age like fine wine, I can guarantee it.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (from Los Angeles Rams)- Dyami Brown (WR) UNC
A “shock” to some, but Brown has been shooting up draft boards the last few weeks. Brown and Laviska Shenault will be a great tandem for Trevor Lawence for years to come.
26. Cleveland Browns– Zaven Collins (LB) Tulsa
The Browns defense was very average last season, and they could use help at the linebacker position. Maybe one day he can join Baker Mayfield in an insurance commercial.
27. Baltimore Ravens– Kwity Paye (EDGE) Michigan
The Ravens are one of the weirdest teams in the league. They need a lot but are better than averedge. They go Paye here to help bolster their pass rush.
28. New Orleans Saints– Davis Mills (QB) Stanford
REMEMBER THIS PREDICTION. REMEMBER IT! Mills Mania is going to take the bayou by storm.
29. Green Bay Packers– Nick Bolton (ILB) Mizzou
I have given up on the Packers actually adressing their glaring need at WR. They also have a need at linebacker, which they actually adress here with Bolton.
30. Buffalo Bills– Joe Tryon (EDGE) Washington
Potential steal of the draft alert. Tryon is an athletic freak who was a stud in 2019 for the Huskies.
31. Baltimore Ravens– Trevon Moehring (S) TCU
The Ravens brass said they have great wide recievers on the roster. As much as I think he is full of crap, I think he believes what he is spewing. Moehrig is incredibly talented and gives them a first day starter.
32. Miami Dolphins (from Tampa Bay Buccaneers)- Najee Harris (RB) Bama
The Dolphins will come away from this draft the overall winners. There is no reason Miami fans should ever have to watch Myles Gaskin and Patrick Laird get consistent carries again. Harris is diet Derek Henry, and gets to reunite with his college QB.